Loving Weirdly and Listening Differently: Our Lives as a Couple with ADHD

Living as a couple with ADHD can feel like navigating a relationship in surround sound. Everything is louder, faster, more intense, and sometimes, more confusing. While there’s often a deep, shared understanding between two neurodivergent people, there are also struggles that many outside the ADHD bubble wouldn’t even think to consider.

One of the biggest hurdles? Communication.

When both partners have ADHD, communication can easily become a mess of crossed wires. What one person meant as a casual comment can feel like a personal attack to the other. One forgets what the other just said, not out of disinterest or because they weren’t listening, but because their brain was juggling 15 other things at once. It’s not that we don’t care, it’s that our attention works differently.

When you mix impulsive speech and emotional intensity with working memory, you’ve got a recipe for frequent misunderstandings. Sometimes, one of us speaks in unfinished sentences, expecting the other to fill in the blanks. Sometimes, we both do it at the same time, and nobody finishes anything. And other times, neither of us actually say what we’re thinking even though we are insitent that we have. It becomes so easy to start the blame game, and it’s a game that no one ever wins.

ADHD can also impact how we interpret tone of voice and body language. We might misread boredom or dissassociating as annoyance or disinterest, or we might miss signals that our partner is overwhelmed. And when we assume our body language can be read, those subtle signs can go unnoticed, or worse, get misinterpreted as rejection or frustration.

When one person withdraws to regulate their emotions, the other may assume they’re being ignored. When one person hyperfocuses on a task, the other might feel invisible. The truth is often far less dramatic, but without clear communication, it’s easy to assume the worst.

Another layer to this is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD), something many people with ADHD experience, I am very much at the top of that list of people. RSD means even minor criticism or miscommunication can feel huge. “Did you forget to take the bins out?” can spiral into guilt or defensiveness. And not because we’re fragile, or overemotional as we were often told as we were growing up, it’s because our brains are wired to feel everything at full volume, and it is LOUD.

Sometimes we try to say something supportive and it comes across as critical. Sometimes one of us is processing something internally while the other thinks we’re just being distant. Even “I’m fine” can mean a hundred different things depending on the day, the mood, or how much dopamine is or isn’t in the tank.

There isn’t just one solution that works for all, but here are a few things that could help. Some we use, others haven’t worked for us but could work for you.

• Clarify, don’t assume – because we all know what assume means! If something feels off, ask. If you’re unsure what your partner meant, check. More often than not this works for us, but sometimes, it can feel like an attack.
• Use visual or written cues. Notes, reminders, shared calendars, and even emojis in texts help us bridge gaps when verbal communication falters. On the flip side, things as simple as not using emojis can also lead to believing the other person is annoyed. But in that case, go back to the last point, clarify and don’t assume.
• Name the pattern, not the person. Instead of “You never listen,” try “I’ve noticed we both lose track of things sometimes, can we come up with a system for that?” It alleviates the blame game.
• Take breaks before things boil over. Sometimes we need to hit pause, regulate, and return with a clearer head. 5 minutes in a dark, quiet space can change everything.
• Laugh often. ADHD can make life chaotic, but it also brings creativity, humour, and passion. Lean into the funny side when you can, it really does help. For us, naming our quirks helps us see the funny side rather than feeling like we’re underacheiving. For example, when we don’t finish a task but instead start other things along the way, we call these side quests. Honestly, this is the one I can highly recommend. This one hasn’t failed us yet.

Living as a couple with ADHD isn’t always easy. But there’s something deeply comforting about being with someone who gets it. Someone who understands why the laundry didn’t make it to the tumble dryer or why you just burst into tears over a dropped spoon or spilled flour. Someone who knows that even when the words come out wrong, the love is still there. It’s messy. It’s honest. And when it works, it’s incredibly real.

I love you A, thank you for being my rock and knowing me better than I know myself sometimes

Xx